Status Update from River City

Hey hepcats! It’s your number one bruiser from River City, Alex! You may remember reading about me in the papers after me and my best pal Ryan single-handedly defeated all the gangs in the city and rescued his girlfriend from that a-hole "Slick".

But things have gotten bad in my once beloved hometown...long gone are the days of constant muggings and theft that we all knew and loved.

Those were good times...if you were short a few bucks, all you had to do was step out on the streets, grab a trash can, and beat the change out of some poor shlump. And if you couldn't find a trash can, you could pick up your best bud and throw him at some Johnny-come-lightly, and the goober would spit out cash like an ATM, then you would be off to spend the rest of your day eating flapjacks and reading comic books.

But then the damn recession hit, and suddenly none of these chumps have any bread on them. I threw a pair of brass knuckles at a guy the other day and nothing came out of him! Sure he puked and his eyes bulged out comically, but that’s hardly worth the effort, how am I supposed to pay for my education?

It doesn't help that "Slick" found Jesus and goes by "James" now, or that Ryan has a bunch of snot-nosed kids running his life. It’s just not the same. I'm getting fat and the kids now all have cars and they call me "Fat Fonze" and throw garbage at me. On top of all this Ryan's wife (Who I saved by jump kicking Slick off a flight of stairs after he kidnapped her!) is bitchin' at me to get off the couch and find my own place, it was my damn change that paid for that couch!  Zero gratitude!

The last time I went to go beat up kids outside the high school I was arrested! I didn't even know this town had a police force!  

Anyway...I gotta get going now, I have to go down to the thrift store and buy some khaki pants and a long sleeve shirt to hide my tattoos. I have an interview at the new Jamba Juice they built, and its one of the last places in this town where they don't have a picture hanging up of me for bad checks.

If anyone wants to start up some kind of gang war at the high school, or just sorta attack me with a pipe as I’m leaving my house, that would kindly appreciated.

Barf!