Jan 21, 2015

How Not to be an Assclown at the Cell Carrier Store

      So you've let out a big sigh, propelled yourself from the snug embrace of the Lay-Z-Boy, gathered your various toe-headed children and your plain wife, and now your bound for your cell carrier, equipped with zero knowledge of how anything technical works, yet paradoxically armed with the sense that you know exactly how everything works.

You are the American consumer.  

You've waddled on into Verizon, Sprint, T-Mobile, or Metro PCS (If you are a no-credit-having lowlife).  Of course, you are angry.  You are having a tough time remembering a time when you weren't at least peeved, but today you are pissed.  Last month's bill was a whopping 250$! And heads are going to roll, by God.  Specifically the heads of people who have absolutely nothing to do with pricing plans.  It is time to throw some impotent rage into the wind.

You ask a question.  Something vague and poorly constructed.  Something like, "So if we buy phones we can return the insurance?"  The rep looks at you inquisitively, rightly so, and you snort and roll your eyes when he asks what the hell you're talking about.

You ask more of these asinine and unanswerable riddles, and the rep struggles to answer you.  But it matters not, because you have made up your mind.  This kid is a "dipshit" and you haven't heard a word he said anyway.  You're giving him long, exaggerated wordless stares, and he's failing to read your mind and perceive your problems.

Now, this scenario happens approximately 5,600,293 times a day nationwide.  Microscopic moments of unnecessary misery and aggravation on a grander canvas of unnecessary misery and aggravation.  Like most problems Americans invent for themselves, this one is easily avoidable.  But then of course you miss out on all the righteous indignation, which, ranks somewhere around oxygen and water for you're average overweight, semi-ancient "patriot."

So how do you avoid this fiasco of headaches and irritability? Easy.  Like all things, education is the key.

1. "What specials Ya'll got?"

There are a few variations of this inquiry, all of which are equally ass-holish.  You are not walking into Joey's Bigtime Subs.  You are potentially signing up for 2 years of expensive payments.

Different plans work for different situations.  Rather than have someone read you the "specials" (We got a spicy iPhone smothered in hot Green Chile Data), present your situation.  Something like: "I am an invalid on government assistance.  I have a -500 credit score but nevertheless NEED an iPhone 6Plus 128 gig phone and refuse to pay more than forty two cents for it."  Something like that...let the rep know what type of asshole you are so that they can properly assign the right plan for you.  

2.  "Why do I have to pay anything for my phone?"

(This reaction everytime)

This one always makes me crack a smile and visualize cracking something else.  (Hint: your big ol' potato head.) So why, exactly, do you have to pay for your phone?  Especially since you have never had to pay for it in the past (spoiler: you have absolutely paid for it in the past, you just lack the basic math schools to figure out how).

Let me break it down.  Phones cost money to make.  The phone you want is expensive.  (There are cheaper phones but they are not "the best," and let's be honest here, you deserve the best and nothing else.)  In the past your carrier would give you 600$ phone for 200$ (how nice of them!).  This was called "subsidized phones" in the cellular world.  Subsidized of course means "pay part of the cost of producing (something) to reduce prices for the buyer."   But here, the word choice is a little specious.  Say your Verizon bill is somewhere around 90$ a month with your "free phone."  25$ of that go to Apple or Samsung or whatever every month for 24 months.  So no, you have always paid for your phone, and here's a shocker:  You will always, always, always, pay for your phone.  Unless you steal one or manifest one from the nether.  

The ugly reality is this.  In Europe, the average cost for cellphone service is 1/3 of what we pay here in the grand ol' U S of A.  Furthermore, they have better coverage and data speeds.  Why are those commies getting better service than you?  Well, because they don't do those subsidized, 2 year contract plans you all seem addicted to.  Therefore plans are left naked and simple.  You're not stuck with one carrier in a concrete contract.  

SO now you pay 50$ and 20$ for the phone, (that's 70$).  You can leave whenever you want with no contract punishments and that drives prices down for consumers everywhere.

But by all means, gentle moron, please tell me again why subsidized phones is how things "should be."

3.  "You guys did...."

No.  Just no.  I didn't touch your account.  I've never seen you before today.  I'm not a CEO or shareholder or even a manager.  I didn't do shit.  We are not the borg collective.  

4.  "Well I'm going to just go to T-Mobile then!"

Okay.  Bye.  But before you do, go stand outside of any carrier.  Listen to the whining, screaming, and tantrums.  Spare me your pitiful threats.  I don't own stock in the company.  Also look out for the guy in the picture above.  He was so angry with T-Mobile he destroyed one and then sprayed a fire estinguisher everywhere.  

5.  "I don't know my pin."  

Of course you don't.

And last but not least...


I know, technology is scary and exhausting.  Creating a username and password is akin to climbing Everest while doing mixed martial arts.

Did you know you can accomplish 95% of your cellular goals on a website?  Literally all you should be doing in a carrier store is buying a phone or an accessory that you want NOW.  Pay your bill?  Do that shit online you heathen.  There's an app for it as well.  We live on commission and you are KILLING me right now with your crumpled up bills and stupid questions.  You can change your number, activate devices, check coverage before you walk up and say "I hear your coverage SUCKS."

But then again, you have nothing to do today anyway, even though most of the world is working, why not spend the day saying "this is ridiculous" over and over at Verizon.

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Jan 19, 2015

I'mmmm Backkkkkkk....

Hello friends.  Collegues.  Souls I've yet to harvest for the "cube."  You may have forgotten about me, swept me into a corner like so much doghair and Captain Crunch, but I have not forgotten about you, you sweet dead-eyed masses.  And now, much like the elephant-mounted Hannibal, I have reemerged upon the shitlands to snarl my grievances about how poorly you've kept yourselves.

Yes the sample has wiggled back into the eembryo that is the blogosphere.  

Lessons were learned.  For instance, Americans in the midwest don't understand how walking works.  It boggles my mind that men can sire entire broods of toe-headed little brats and land a agreeable wife, obtain giant houses and fantastic automobiles for their own enjoyment, yet cannot figure out that you are supposed to stay on the right side when you walk on a sidewalk or...pretty much anywhere when you are passing someone.  

Anyway, I don't wish to blow my entire spite load at once, lest I have nothing to gripe about and lest not make the internet millions I think my spiteful observations are worth.  No, better to release my disgust at a more tantric pace.

Anyways.  I'm reprising the original theme of Kamikaze Earth--that ol' timey "whatever the fuck I feel like talking about," and that's not to be edgy or rebellious, only honest, because (to quote the immortal Carlin here...) "There is a lot of bullshit out there, and it's bad for you."   So break out the rose pedals, your lordship doth approach.

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