Walmerica - A Time Travel Adventure
Wow! holy damn! I….holy Hell! I just got back…oh-my-god...O.K, O.K, starting to breath, damn!
You wont believe this (I hardly believe it myself). it all seems so surreal, but it happened...
Yesterday I was working on the blog, changing around a few things and trying to add a cute little penguin to the sidebar that dances. I was messing with the HTML code, having no clue what I was doing, and then saved it and….well…then...I saw a purple light....
I awoke in a field, naked and covered in some kind of glowing slime. Terror set in immediately as I took in my surroundings. All around me were giant, mutated corn the size of Volkswagens.
I began to run, but was stopped in my tracks by the distant roar and distinct rumble of semi trucks. Help, I hoped, and ran towards the sound, eventually coming upon a 19-lane highway.
I was shocked to see a herd of other naked people, drudging in single file down the side of the highway. I approached the man who was leading this grim progression, sheepishly hiding my naked shame with a giant corn stalk. He was rail-thin and tired looking.
“Where am I?” I inquired.
The old man paused suspiciously.
“Agriculture section.” He said slowly.
“Yes, farms, I get that, but where?” I stammered.
"Where?" The man asked seemingly perplexed by the simple question. "Where else? Walmerica?"
He brushed me away and trudged away. I had no choice but to follow the herd, for at least they seemed to have some sort of destination.
Eventually, over the horizon buildings started to rise, at first silhouettes, and as we got closer I realized they were charred and decimated.
(Walmerica -United States of Walmart (USW)
“Walmart reading center,” one of the buildings read. I entered the building and was shocked at what I saw. Along the shelves the only books available were team-building manuals, Atlas Shrugged, and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly books, with entire walls dedicated to the Bible.
I rushed past the woman who had Walmart issued pasties over her nipples and sat at a computer. I typed in yahoo.com and the news was loaded up. Luckily in the future you can save files directly to your brain and I did. Here is the horror upon which I saw…
(Enhance!)
At first the entire page was in Chinese, so I hit the translate button and was shocked at what I saw. I went further into the abyss and clicked on an article titled How to be Rich like Sam Walton. Here is a word for word retelling, uploaded from my hologram.
How to be Rich like Sam Walton
By: Employee 56198087-A
Hello Patriots! This article is sponsored by Wal-loco Energy Blast, BE PRODUCTIVE! And the Walmart Marines, Thinking is for Wimps! Recently, His Holiness/Congress, Sam Walton, hit his ten-trillion-dollar mark after declaring a five-trillion-dollar raise for himself due to his daughters Paris and Diamond Walton hinting at wanting the Moon for their sweet 16. Walton--who is kept alive by a personal Health Care program for Samuel Walton, and a 548 Trillion-dollar body transplant--Had these encouraging words for all:
Walton, who is a true rags-to-riches story, worked his way from his meager millions to his vast fortune today, proof that hard work and ingenuity pays off in the end. His humble home of Jesus Island (formally Australia) is a quiet retreat for hunting democrats.
Pope Walton has also instituted a new tax on anyone making less then 500 dollars a year (99.999999% of the world). The new tax will demand 80% of their income, this will go into creating jobs, and wealth trickling, as well as building much-needed mega-churches. The tax is said to finally cloth the naked who lost their clothes when Satan stole them all in the night back in 2020.
President Coulter had this to say about the new tax "If you don't like it you probably have a small flaccid penis and little girly arms."
COMMENTS:
Employee:4958587-D Underground Miner
#SuperflyUSW
How to be Rich like Sam Walton
By: Employee 56198087-A
Hello Patriots! This article is sponsored by Wal-loco Energy Blast, BE PRODUCTIVE! And the Walmart Marines, Thinking is for Wimps! Recently, His Holiness/Congress, Sam Walton, hit his ten-trillion-dollar mark after declaring a five-trillion-dollar raise for himself due to his daughters Paris and Diamond Walton hinting at wanting the Moon for their sweet 16. Walton--who is kept alive by a personal Health Care program for Samuel Walton, and a 548 Trillion-dollar body transplant--Had these encouraging words for all:
"I know times are rough, and we struggle to bounce back from President Obama's communist reign that bankrupt our country, but don't digress. As congress I have instituted a new policy, minimum wage will be lowered to 1 dollar an hour, but workers will now get an average of 40 more work hours a week! This will stimulate the economy and create jobs and God told me to do it."
Walton, who is a true rags-to-riches story, worked his way from his meager millions to his vast fortune today, proof that hard work and ingenuity pays off in the end. His humble home of Jesus Island (formally Australia) is a quiet retreat for hunting democrats.
Pope Walton has also instituted a new tax on anyone making less then 500 dollars a year (99.999999% of the world). The new tax will demand 80% of their income, this will go into creating jobs, and wealth trickling, as well as building much-needed mega-churches. The tax is said to finally cloth the naked who lost their clothes when Satan stole them all in the night back in 2020.
President Coulter had this to say about the new tax "If you don't like it you probably have a small flaccid penis and little girly arms."
COMMENTS:
#SuperflyUSW
Hope all the libs have to work in the underground mines for what they did to this country, Sam Walton is a true Walmerican, he's earned every penny and nobody should even talk about his money! Support The Walmart Marines!
#ObumberSux
Lazy little libs!!! I worked my way up from worker drone to CLASS 8 WHIPMASTER, I now own my own existence CUBE WITH BATHROOM, haha.
Employee:3493483-B Executive Manager of Wal-geria
#Godislove999"And the lord struck Obama down with fire and lightening, and commanded Samuel Walton to fornicate for 70 days and 70 nights, and it was good and the fornication plentiful. -Book of Reagan chapter 5, verse 5 (available on Windle downloads for 55 Wal-bucks!)"
#JohnDavis
Just a thought here, but perhaps we could get some of the stockpiles of Tylenol for our crippling cancer pains?
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Employee: 989484-C Sulfur Miner
#nakedandfreeUSW
!!!MESSAGE INTERCEPTED: YOU ARE A COMMUNIST.
MANDATORY SENTENCE:35 YEARS
HOLY ORDER OF POLICE IN ROUTE FOR DETAINMENT-
THIS MESSAGE SPONSORED BY MODERN WARFARE 15!!!
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#nakedandfreeUSW
Haha! that turd got OWNED. Enjoy the sulfur mines. I'm gonna be a trillionaire soon on a yacht soon, I just need 35 more promotions, hard work=$$$, 99% sucks! Ann Coulter 25 more years!
And it went on like this for thousands of pages. Before I could read more, the purple light returned, and I dove in head first. Back home I realized my cat had jumped on the keyboard and somehow altered the portal-generating HTML code, pulling me free from that hellish landscape, but also erasing the code forever...
I sat stunned, loaded up yahoo.com to make sure I was home, but it didn't look much different from that of the putrid future. Then I bought as much stock in Walmart as I could and went to my porch to process the cacotopia that awaited.
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